


Hello Brooklyn

by AnnaBliss13



Series: Fargo Alternate Universes [1]
Category: Fargo (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, F/M, It's one shots set in an alternate universe, Other characters may pop up at some points?, its more established than it sounds, the idiots get the hell out of dodge and take a road trip before settling in Brooklyn, well except Maurice and Ennis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-03-05 09:49:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13385283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaBliss13/pseuds/AnnaBliss13
Summary: Set in a universe where Ray remembers the getaway money and he and Nikki are able to escape Varga's men, this story is composed of one shot stories that take place at different periods of Nikki and Ray's lives. From childhood to having kids themselves, follow the Stussy family's trials and tribulations navigating through life.





	1. How She Learned to do It (Set around 1993)

**Author's Note:**

> This is honestly just a universe elizabethvaughan and I like to write and mess around in because the idea of a Chicagoan, a Minnesotan, and two (or three depending on what part of the timeline) children with Brooklyn accents living in one small apartment in the city is very amusing. All fics will take place at a different point in time, but all in the same universe.

Nikki silently crossed the kitchen floor in two seconds, carefully balancing a full glass of water in each hand, the handle of her mother’s cooking ladle clenched firmly between her teeth. Without hesitation, she started up the narrow staircase of her family’s cramped Saint Paul townhouse. Four seconds up. Cross the hallway, past the bedroom where her parents pretended to sleep in the same bed so she and her sister wouldn’t ask questions. Three seconds. Up the second flight of stairs. The second set took six and a half seconds on account that stair number seven creaked and she was trying her hardest to be silent. Cross the empty hallway that ended in another flight of stairs. She thought of this hallway as purgatory, halfway down between her and Ellie’s rooms on the top floor and her parents' room the floor below it. Not quite safe but not yet in real danger. Three seconds. Up the final flight of stairs and into her room. Another three seconds. Setting the glasses down onto her dresser and removing the ladle, she took another four seconds as she hurried to lock the door before letting out her breath in relief.

 

It was the game she played. She couldn’t even remember when she started counting the time it took her to move through space, but it had just become a habit. One second from her bed to the window. Twelve seconds from her bed to Ellie’s and back to her bed, her sister’s small hand in hers. Eighteen seconds from their bedrooms to the front door, add two if you bang your knee on the banister so hard it goes black and you can’t walk without a limp for a week, but you barely noticed it at the time because you were bolting for your life. Twenty-seven seconds from the front porch to the bus stop at the corner of their busy street if you ran the whole way. Time seemed to go by a lot quicker if you were aware of every moment you spent getting places, and it often made you forget why you were going in the first place. Nikki liked that kind of forgetting.

 

She picked up the glasses and brought them over to her windowsill, spending another two seconds to get the ladle separately, this time in her hand. She knelt down by the window and pushed it open quietly as she could, and carefully leaned out into the early autumn air and poured one glass and then the other into the cracking, faded plastic flowerpot. The pot hung from her window by a metal frame so rusted it left orange marks down her walls whenever rain seeped in through the window frame. She had complained about it on and off to her mother, but she always just shook her head. Nikki knew they didn’t have the money to spare and her father would never approve such an expense. He hated the flowers her mother lovingly grew every spring and complained about the way the pots hung on the windows. He said they were going to fall off and kill someone. That one comment was enough to set off a spark in Nikki’s brain, and soon her plan was formed.

 

Picking up the ladle, she began carefully stirring the water into the flowerpot, the ancient, dusty potting soil reluctantly allowing itself to be reconstituted into a sloppy black mess. When she was satisfied with her work, she headed to her dresser and opened the top drawer where her socks and underwear lived in a jumble. Pushing them aside, she dug until she found what she was looking for. It was the chunk of brick she had found waiting for the bus last week. Something about it had seemed appealing, maybe the way one edge was just a little jagged, or possibly the way it felt, solid and cold in her fist. She pulled it out and darted silently back to the bedroom door and began listening.

 

It only took forty-six seconds of waiting until she heard the telltale creak of her parent’s door and the familiar stomping of her father’s feet leaving. She scurried across her room and shut the window as she began counting down in her head. Three seconds across the hall. She tightened her grip on the brick and steeled her nerves. Four seconds down the stairs. She located the weakest spot on one side of the metal frame of the flowerpot, rough and red with rust against the wooden windowsill inside the glass. Twelve seconds for him to grab his keys and put on his coat. When she heard the door open, she sprang into action.

 

Raising her fist, she brought the brick down firmly onto the metal frame with a dull cracking sound. She repeated the action, noticing a dent now. She was running out of seconds and could feel the first beginnings of panic catching up to her, so she stood up and brought her entire upper body weight down with the brick onto the windowsill with a loud THUNK sound. There was a snap as the thin piece of metal finally gave way to her beatings and split in half, rusted bits of metal raining upon the floor of her bedroom. She barely had a second to watch as the pot, now suspended by one thin piece, tilted dramatically to one side and dumped its soupy contents to the sidewalk below, catching her father in an inky black tide of rotten soil and water from his own tap. She stared at him as he sputtered and spun around, angrily wiping muck off his face and spitting curse words at anyone who would listen. She bolted away from the window before he could look up, flopping herself onto the bed and trying to muffle her laughter into her pillow. She could hear him storming into his room now, and she glanced quickly at the lock on her door to make sure it was in place. Seeing it was, she rolled back over and continued replaying the scene in her head. 

 

Her father deserved to be a mess. He already was one, just not on the outside where it was visible to the rest of the world. She laughed again before remembering to congratulate herself. “You did good Swango. Real good.” She informed herself confidently. Right now, nothing was good. While harassing her abusive father passed the time, she was more than ready to leave. Someday, she would have better things to do and bigger fish to fry. And she’d count every second until she got there. But before she moved on, she took ten long seconds to commit the steps of her now-successful plan to memory. You never know when it might come in handy.

  
  



	2. What's Lost from There May Not Grow Here (Aka the Road Trip fic; set during the course of the show)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The set up of this universe

**_December 24, 2010_ **

 

They rushed through the house, packing anything they may need for the road. They didn’t know where they were going, but they had to go. Blankets, medicine, and clean underwear were among the slew of items that were thrown into bags. When they were finally packed, it was dark out, and Ray helped Nikki into her car, packed to the brim. Before he got in himself, a realization hit, and he ran back inside, grabbing the money held in a felt bag off the kitchen counter. He got back to the car and they were off, leaving behind their home and remaining belongings for a Rav4, icy roads, and a chance.

Before Ray pulled into their predetermined, cash-only motel, Nikki stopped him with a light hand on his arm. Someone had been following them since they left their street, and just hit their turn signal as well. A glance towards each other and they realized they would have to find another solution and fast. With the thought these were the men Emmit was connected to and a quick lane change, Ray hopped onto the interstate and started heading south. 

They decided to just keep driving in order to lose their pursuers. Heading into South Dakota, the adrenaline that had been spiked started to drop with the knowledge they were out of state. Nikki was lying down, her seat back, watching the lights go by. Ray turned to look at her, and she smiled when she took notice. As they made their way down the road, she reached over, grabbed his hand tight, and closed her eyes.

 

**_December 28, 2010_ **

 

The days that followed passed as a blur. Nikki mostly slept. It took all her energy to fix her broken body, to mend from the abuse she had suffered. Ray woke her up only when they stopped for food or a toilet, helping her stand and letting her lean on him like a crutch. While she was out, Ray drove, pouring over maps and deciphering the ancient road signs. He managed to put miles of roadway behind them, zig-zagging from town to town to confuse their pursuers. And that’s how their first days on the road were spent. Ray navigating. Nikki healing. Both running. 

 

**_December 31, 2010_ **

 

They spent New Year’s Eve parked on the side of a road in the middle of rural Iowa, watching the stars through the sunroof. They fell asleep soon after midnight but woke up a few hours later in freezing agony, despite the armful of extra blankets Nikki had thrown into the car at the last second. Without other options to stay warm Ray started the car and they headed off into the dark morning, continuing their road trip to nowhere.

 

**_January 1, 2011_ **

They made a stop at a CVS for painkillers and assorted temperature packs for Nikki, whose wounds were finally attempting to heal. She had managed to suck it up with what they had for the past few days, but finally hit the bottom of the bottle. While Nikki hobbled to the pharmacy, Ray grabbed burner phones and transferred pictures and important contacts over. They broke the old ones under the car’s tires as they drove away, leaving behind their last way of being tracked.

 

**_January 2, 2011_ **

 

They sprang for a motel room after ten days so they could shower and wash their clothes and sleep in a real bed. Ray gathered their filthy clothing into a garbage bag and waited by the washer and dryer in the building until they were done. When he got back to the room, Nikki was on the bed wrapped in a towel, shivering. When Ray passed her her sweatpants and sweatshirt, still warm from the dryer, he winced at the welts and bruises that still shone on her skin, a mixture of faded yellows and greens and whites. She caught his eye and pulled him into an embrace as he tried to look away.

 

**_January 7, 2011_ **

 

The weather got warmer and the sky got brighter the farther south they headed. The further they went, the better Nikki looked. Her bruises faded. Her cuts scabbed over and disappeared. The mischievous shine slowly returned to her eyes. And as Nikki slowly healed, something in Ray did as well. 

 

**_January 14, 2011_ **

 

They stopped in a tiny Louisiana town called Abita Springs, population 2,500. Their first stop was to the courthouse, a mere twenty minutes before they closed. The pair left grinning, counting down the days until Monday.

 

**_January 15, 2011_ **

 

They went shopping the next afternoon at a discount clothing store to find Nikki a white dress to wear for the makeshift ceremony. They finally found one that had enough lace to pass as a wedding dress, yet was tight enough for Nikki’s standards, and it cost a reasonable $34. Nikki shouted at him not to come in when she was trying it on because of “tradition,” but the look on her face when she emerged with it tucked under her arm was enough for Ray. Monday couldn’t come soon enough.

 

**_January 16, 2011_ **

 

It was in the 70s and drizzling on Sunday, but despite the weather, Nikki insisted that they go swimming. She was adamant that if they were in the south in the middle of winter, they had to go swimming. So they drove to the nearest body of water, which was Lake Pontchartrain. There, they found a small, empty beach and watched the rain on the water while they ate breakfast, and afterwards Nikki waded in the grimy water like it was a private beach at the Bahamas. She turned around to grin at her fiance before losing her footing on the slimy rocks, momentarily disappearing from sight as she plunged underwater. Ray barely had time to react before she stood up, drenched to her skin and laughing so hard she looked like she might go under again. She waded back towards the shore and dried off as best she could with a blanket, reassuring him that she was absolutely fine before wrapping herself up and sliding into the passenger seat.

...

 

They sat on the sidewalk next to the parked car later that afternoon in the pouring rain, letting it soak them to their skin as they watched the current race down the gutter. If this was the only shower he got the night before his wedding, Ray was fairly certain he would die happy.

 

**_January 17, 2011_ **

 

On Monday, they woke up early and put on their best clothes, Ray in his now very wrinkled tuxedo and Nikki in her new white dress. Ray used one rearview mirror to shave while Nikki took the other to apply her makeup. They met in the middle when they were finished, blushing and grinning across the console like a pair of lovesick teenagers. The drive to the courthouse was short, with only one quick stop for Ray to pick up flowers for Nikki to hold. They linked fingers as they climbed the steps.

...

 

Nikki couldn’t stop giggling the entire ceremony, and Ray was so nervous he had to wipe his hands every few seconds on his pant legs. The Justice kept shooting Nikki looks overtop his glasses, and the witnesses gazed on with judgment in their eyes. They probably thought she was some kind of gold digger or homewrecker and he was being played for a fool. But Ray knew she was just in total disbelief that all of this was happening the way it was because when he kissed her, she didn’t laugh. She just kissed him back. 

 

**_January 18, 2011_ **

 

After their three days spent in Louisiana, they decided to head north again. Nikki sat behind the wheel, finally feeling at ease enough to drive, and guided the car onto the highway, her wedding ring catching the morning light pouring in through the windshield. This time it was Ray’s turn to look over and smile. 

 

**_January 20, 2011_ **

 

Technically, their rule was that whoever was currently driving got to pick the music, but in reality, it was usually Nikki. Which was probably why Ray now had an overwhelming fondness for David Bowie, The Police, 80s soft grunge, and almost anything else she put on the radio as she steered the car into the unknown.

 

**_January 24, 2011_ **

 

5:19 pm. They had been running for an entire month.

 

**_January 25, 2011_ **

 

The harsh sound of Nikki gagging jerked Ray from sleep, and he barely had a second to register what was going on before she pushed the car door wide open and vomited straight onto the frozen gravel at the side of the highway where they had spent the night. Ray sat up just as Nikki swung the door shut and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, shrugging apologetically. Ray decided that this was just how their day was going to start and shoved the key into the ignition. 

...

 

It happened again when they stopped for a beer later that afternoon. Nikki had barely taken a sip before she was gagging and fumbling for a trashcan. They threw their drinks away and started the car a few minutes later.

 

**_January 26, 2011_ **

 

The next morning, Ray held her hair back as she emptied her stomach into an old plastic bag.

 

**_January 27, 2011_ **

 

Ray pulled up to the tiny convenience store in West Virginia between two roads leading to nowhere and put the car into park so Nikki could climb out the passenger’s side door. She untangled her long limbs from the mess of blankets and dirty clothing clogging the floor and slid out into the cold morning, drawing her coat around her shoulders. She was still throwing up, and Ray was still worried about side effects from her run-in with the men attached to Emmit. He managed to convince her to stop and pick something up since they again ran out of anything that might help. She agreed when he promised to fill up the gas tank and clean the dirt-caked windshield while she was shopping. Ray pulled away, hurrying to get back to pick her up.

...

 

Nikki was oddly quiet when he returned for her. She simply slid the bags of groceries into the back and pulled a microwavable heating pad out of her coat pocket, which she put between her lower back and the seat before settling into silence and staring blankly out the window. Ray tried to nudge her into conversation, but she was resistant to his attempts and he just as soon gave up. He drove until he spotted a motel and pulled in. Nikki just stared. 

...

 

They were barely settled into the motel room for the night when Nikki quietly told him that they needed to talk. 

 

**_January 28, 2011_ **

 

It wasn’t unusual for Ray to wake before Nikki. He had gotten almost no sleep the night before, tossing and turning in the creaky bed as his wife did the same beside him. He replayed the scene from last night over and over in his head. Nikki sitting on the stained bedspread, a pillow clutched to her chest, not meeting his eyes. Her quiet, nervous tone as she told him what had happened in the gas station. She had been looking for more painkillers for her stomach when she happened to spot pregnancy tests on the shelf. It was some deep gut impulse that urged her to grab the first box she saw and sneak it in the shitty little bathroom with her. She read the instructions. She followed the steps. She took one, then another, then the entire box. They all told her the same thing. She told him how she had panicked and buried the tests at the bottom of the trashcan before emerging with the box and paying for it with the rest of her groceries. She wasn’t sure what made her do it. But now she knew. And she wished she didn’t. And as Ray held her, he had never seen her look so helpless. He managed to push aside his state of utter shock long enough to hold her close and whisper that it was all going to be fine as she cried into his shoulder. That they would figure it out. They crawled into bed one after the other without even showering and spent the night on opposite sides of the bed, each a victim to their own thoughts.

…

 

They spent the rest of the day in the motel room, mostly so Nikki could throw up in relative comfort. They didn't talk most of the morning, the silence awkward and stiff. Ray did their laundry, washing, and drying and even folding it just to keep busy. Finally, it was in the afternoon that Nikki broke the silence. She had again been sitting on the bed when she spoke up. She was nervous when she said that she wanted to try out this new hand the universe had dealt them. She looked almost bashful when she told him that she had always wanted children, like it was something to hide or be ashamed of. She told him how she didn’t get the opportunity to have a real family growing up. And finally she told him how she wanted nothing more than this chance to start over, and that she wanted to do it with him. He listened in stunned silence as she spoke, avoiding his gaze as she twisted the hem of her tank top between her fingers. She finished her piece and pulled her legs tightly to her chest, burying her face in her knees. Ray didn’t even take a second to process her words before he pulled her into his arms and told her the same thing he had promised to her the night before: that they would be okay. He didn’t know much about a lot of things, but he knew that when they put their minds to something, they could do anything. Swango and Stussy. They could handle a new adventure.

  
  


**_January 29, 2011_ **

 

Their trip to nowhere was at an end. Now that they had a purpose, they were effectively homeless. They were on the road bright and early the next morning, awake with the sun. Ray spread the map out across his lap and plotted routes and Nikki tallied their remaining money on the back of a drugstore receipt. They wouldn’t be homeless much longer.

  
  


**_January 30, 2011_ **

 

Nikki guided the Toyota over the Brooklyn Bridge at 3:29 am, and they both craned their necks to see everything from the dark water below them to the dazzling lights above their heads. They drove through the downtown streets first before moving into more distant neighborhoods, eventually finding a suitable one to park and spend the night in. When they woke, the entire city was blanketed in several inches of fresh snow, and since Nikki was feeling a little better, they spent the entire day exploring hand-in-hand like a pair of drunken lovers.

 

**_February 5, 2011_ **

 

They spent the rest of the week searching for both jobs and an apartment. It took almost a week for Ray to find work in a parking garage downtown who was looking for someone to cover the overnight shift. He met Nikki at the car and pulled her into an elated hug as he showed her the paperwork for his job, and she eagerly showed him pictures of a building she had found today with a few open one-bedroom units that were available immediately. They locked the car up and started aimlessly walking the slushy streets, eagerly planning their next steps and both silently thanking the universe for the first stroke of good luck sent their way in a long time. 

 

**_February 10, 2011_ **

 

Out of the blue on a Thursday morning, Nikki declared that she wanted to see a doctor. She admitted that she was concerned, especially since she still showed bruising across her torso and bled periodically. Ray immediately agreed, money be damned. So they drove until they found a walk-in clinic and signed in using fake names, keeping watch over their shoulders as they sat in the waiting room. Ray could tell how nervous Nikki was by the way her eyes flitted around the room and by the way she interlocked her fingers with his and didn't let go. He held on up until the doctor told them that everything looked okay, when he had to let go in order to wrap her sobbing frame into a tight hug, hiding his own tears in her hair.

 

**_February 15, 2011_ **

 

Tuesday was move in day. They signed the papers and presented the cash before nine that morning so they could spend the rest of the day transferring their carload of paraphernalia into the larger space. They discovered that the previous renters had left behind a ratty couch and three kitchen chairs, which they welcomed gratefully. Even though the small space still looked laughably empty once the car was unloaded, Nikki turned to him at the end of the day with a huge smile on her face. It was theirs, and it was safe, and it was here. And at the end of the day, that was the important thing. He grinned right back at her, half just in disbelief at his newfound good fortune. 

  
  


**_February 16, 2011_ **

 

Ray woke up the next morning to the sun streaming in through the bare, dirt-streaked windows of their new apartment. He couldn’t feel his back from sleeping on the hardwood floor, and the thin blankets did little to block out the cold. He laid there for a moment, awaiting the sensation that would remind him how badly they needed to find money for a mattress. As he waited, he glanced over at Nikki, still fast asleep on their “new” couch. She was sleeping on her back, probably still habit from living in the Toyota. Despite the winter chill, the blanket was tangled around her legs, exposing most of her upper body to the open air. Her hair was fanned out on the pillow and her mouth was slightly open, and her right arm was draped loosely over her stomach. Looking at her sleeping peacefully, Ray finally felt the anxiety of the past month and a half begin to fade. He leaned over Nikki's sleeping figure and pressed a kiss to her forehead, noting as she shifted slightly, still keeping her arm draped protectively over her stomach. Ray smiled. They had stopped running. They were home.


	3. Subways are for Sleeping (Set around 2016)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on a real experience by Winona and the fic that started it all

 

“Quick Hon, I think that's our train.” Ray grabbed his daughter's hand and followed his wife as she slid elegantly through the crowd and onto the waiting C train towards Brooklyn, the city where he and Nikki had packed up and transplanted their lives almost six years prior. Despite the culture shock, all had mostly gone quite smoothly, though there were a few things Ray still resented. Like the hellacious traffic. And the ever-present grime. And the endless gun violence. And the Subway. Especially the Subway. Traveling by train was never his forte, and traveling in a grimy soup with thousands of other people deep in the bowels of the city was enough to make him cringe. But Nikki had wanted to go the big swimming pool in lower Manhattan, and who was he to deny her a simple summer pleasure? Besides, tired children meant quiet evenings, and maybe a little more.

Once they boarded, a quick glance around revealed an almost-full car, with two open seats near the door. Roxy looked questioningly at him and he nodded, signifying that she should sit down. She wiggled against the railing at the end of the row to make room, and Nikki scooped up Julian and pressed herself next to her daughter, settling their son into her lap as Ray clutched the pole nearest to Roxy.

No sooner had the car pulled away from the station, Julian started getting restless and began fidgeting in Nikki’s lap, turning around so he could face his mother. She gently batted his hands away from her face and leaned back in her seat, deliberately ignoring his attempts to pester her. Not getting anything out of her, he leaned to her right and grabbed at the young woman sitting next to them. Snapping up, Nikki grabbed his hand and pulled him back to her. “C’mon Julian, we don't pester people. Sit still.” The two-year-old had other ideas though and began fussing loudly.

“Oh hush, don't do that. Here.” She pulled him to his feet and stood up, supporting him with one hand and clinging to the pole with the other. He amused himself for a few seconds by spinning himself in circles while supporting himself with her hand, but soon tired of that as well. Grinning, he grabbed a handful of her long sundress and yanked, laughing gleefully.

“Hey, knock it off!” His mother protested, grabbing his other hand. “Look at Roxy, she's bein’ so good. Can't you try that too, huh?” Julian only laughed harder, loving this game. 

“Watch it buddy or I swear I'll smack ya on the butt. Do you want that, huh?” Julian ducked behind her leg, eyes still sparkling with laughter as he avoided his mother. Nikki raised her hand threateningly and he squealed, trying to hide his face in her skirt. His mother had never really gone through with any of her threats, which dulled the effect of her words. He simply hid his face from her sight and giggled.

Nikki looked helplessly over at Ray, who was trying not to laugh at his wife being effectively controlled by a toddler. She glowered at him and unceremoniously scooped their son up, depositing him in Ray’s outstretched arms. She sank heavily into the vacant seat next to Roxy and closed her eyes as Ray turned his attention to Julian.

“Hey buddy, shhh, don’ make so much noise. Remember what we always say, huh? Remember? We say ‘Subways are for sleepin.’ See Mama and Roxy? Look at them bein’ so quiet. That's what we're gonna do.” Another reason he disliked trains was the restlessness they inspired in his son. As much as he and Nikki tried, Julian was just too active and curious to be trusted on public transportation. Their adventures usually ended like this, with Nikki and Roxy asleep and Ray left to mind Julian alone and watch for their station. His son wiggled in his arms for a minute, trying to fight his father’s strong grip. After quickly realizing he was getting nowhere, he wrapped his arms around Ray’s neck and buried his face into his father’s shoulder to pout. Ray sighed.

“Buddy, remember how Mama likes to count, yeah? Let's try that.” His son wiggled his body around so he could stare up at him, curious. Ray began slowly. “One hundred, ninety-nine, ninety-eight, ninety-seven, ninety-six, ninety-five, ninety-four, ninety-three… eleven!” He son burst into giggles and threw his head back joyfully, his deep brown eyes (Nikki’s eyes, Ray never got tired of noticing) screwed shut in laughter. Once he had regained his composure Ray repeated the game, his son dissolving into giggles at each incorrect digit. 

A few rounds in Julian laid his head back down on his father's shoulder, and by the time Ray finished the sequence Julian had dozed off, his face burrowed into his father's neck. Ray leaned over and kissed his son on his forehead, noticing how his dark hair still stuck in messy clumps from the chlorinated water. 

Some days it seemed only yesterday they had thrown a few armfuls of their most precious possessions into Nikki’s car and departed for a life of back roads and winter weather. It seemed counterintuitive sometimes, leaving the relative safety of the small Minnesota city to try their hand in New York’s unforgiving atmosphere. But in this world, who you know (and who knows you) is worth as much as where you are. And he and Nikki both agreed they knew too many of the wrong people for comfort. Especially not the kind of people you want to know that you will soon be becoming parents.

They had found out about Roxy a little over a week after their wedding when Nikki started vomiting at even the sight of alcohol. The days that followed were long and anxiety-ridden, both of them torn between the desire to ignore it for as long as possible and the need to speak, to acknowledge and discuss and decide. It was Nikki who finally broke the ice with her usual determination, hesitantly declaring that she wanted a new chance at life, at a new adventure. Ray was the one to point out the practicality of her desires, since all their current residence had to offer was a license plate and four worn tires. Nikki retorted that they should just find a more permanent space then. Ray had shot back “well-why-not-just-go- overboard- then- and-go-to-New York” and Nikki had said something to the effect of “fuck-yes-I've-always- wanted-to-live-in-New York.” And with that, their lives derailed, took a one-eighty, and jumped off a cliff in the same conversation.

As though she knew he was thinking about her, Roxy slowly opened her eyes and gazed up at him questioningly. “Only two more stops, love. Then us.” She nodded slowly and drifted back into sleep, safe in the knowledge her father would wake her. 

Roxanne was born six months after they had moved, a New Yorker by birth but Minnesotan at heart. It was only then that Ray and Nikki felt at home. While relocating had seemed like a good, practical plan all along, up until then, it still felt rather vague and abstract, like many good ideas do when they're being thought out with an end goal in mind. But when you have a child, nothing is abstract anymore. Children are not abstract. Children are living and breathing and messy and loud. And children inspire a passion in their parents that is unsurpassed. When Roxy was born, Ray could easily have murdered someone a hundred times over in cold blood if it meant keeping her safe. He knew Nikki shared the same feelings, perhaps with even more emphasis on the “murder” aspect.

He glanced over at the bench to see Nikki slumped over slightly, her head resting lightly on her daughter's as they slept off their long day in the heat and water. Roxy had his chocolate hair and soft hazel eyes, and had a quiet and introspective personality to match, while the dark brown hair and eyes Julian had received from Nikki matched his live-wire personality also inherited from her. Though watching the two of them playing in the water today it was clear Roxy shared Nikki’s energy and spunk as just as well as her brother. 

The crackling, staticky voice of the announcer jerked Ray out of his reverie as it announced they had reached Utica. Balancing his son on one hip, he tapped Nikki on the knee. “This is us, Hon.” She woke up in a bolt and grabbed for her daughter, pulling her to her feet as they followed Ray off the train. As Ray watched Roxy cling to Nikki as they climbed the stairs into the hazy summer night, Ray reflected on his thoughts as Julian slept on. Maybe his role of designated Subway guard and child entertainment was actually one of the highlights of their New York adventure.


	4. You Never Know (How Badly this Could Go) (Set around 2017)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aka how to explain to a seven-year-old what a parolee is

It was a few minutes after eight o’clock on a Tuesday night in the tiny apartment shared by the four-person Stussy family. Nikki was sitting on the couch, the shared computer balanced on her lap as she concentrated on her online card game. Ray was laying on the floor playing a game with energetic Julian, who was thoroughly enjoying leaping off the couch into his father’s arms. Roxy was working on her homework on the living room floor, but had been quiet and seemingly lost in thought for a few minutes, a green crayon clutched in her hand. Finally, she spoke up over the noise of her brother, aiming her question at her mother.

“Momma, where did Daddy get born?”

Nikki didn’t look up from the computer to answer her daughter. “Daddy was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota.”

“Where’s Minnesota?” Roxy inquired, looking questioningly up at her mother.

Nikki expertly shifted the computer on her lap as Julian lost his balance and fell on her. She used her foot to shove her son off of the couch and onto her husband below before responding to Roxy. “Um, it’s west of here, by Lake Superior. It’s kind of like a southern Canada that’s in America.”

Roxy nodded seriously and added a few green scribbles to her paper. After another minute, she looked up at Nikki again. “Momma, where did  _ you _ get born?”

Nikki was still focusing on her screen as she answered again. “I was born in Chicago, but we moved to St. Paul when I was seven. That's also in Minnesota.”

“Where’s Chicago?”

“It’s a city in Illinois. It’s on Lake Michigan.”

“Oh,” Roxy replied and thought about that for a few seconds. “So did you meet Daddy in Minnesota?”

Now Nikki looked up from the computer, and at the same time Ray shot up from the floor. They shared a momentary look with one another before facing their daughter. Though they both knew they’d eventually have to explain to their children the story of how they had met, neither of them were actually prepared with anything to say. Julian scowled at his father, annoyed at being suddenly ignored, but Ray’s attention was on Roxy. Finally, it was he who spoke up.

“Yes, your Mom and I met in Minnesota, in a town called St. Cloud.”

“Oh! Did you meet at a party? That's how Kate’s parents met!” She said excitedly, referring to one of her school friends. 

It was Nikki who decided to keep going, speaking on as if nothing was out of the ordinary. “No, at a police station.”

“Police??” Roxy questioned a little loudly, clearly confused. For her entire life her parents had told her to avoid the police and don’t cause trouble, don’t raise alarm, just stay quiet and keep walking. Now they were telling her they met at the place where the police worked? Her parents understood her confusion. Nikki elaborated before Ray could.

“Yes, we met at a police station. I was a parolee and your dad was my parole officer.”

Ray shot her a look brimming with disbelief and annoyance, which he intended to communicate “I thought we were going to talk about this” to her. She deliberately avoided his eyes, instead focusing on Roxy, who stared at her with her head quirked in confusion. He could almost guess the next sentence out of her mouth word-for-word.

 

“What’s a ‘parolee’?”

“A parolee is someone who is a prisoner serving their sentence outside of a prison. A parole officer makes sure the person on parole follows all the rules and doesn’t do bad stuff while they’re out.” She continued, answering what was probably her daughter’s next question. Roxy still looked plainly disbelieving. 

“So you were in  _ prison  _ Momma?” She interrogated, eyes wide as dinner plates.

“Sure was.” Nikki nodded earnestly, pulling their now-fussing son to his feet off the floor and onto her lap to quiet him.

Roxy tried again. “But Momma, prison is for  _ bad  _ people!”

“Prison is for people who do bad things,” Ray interjected, trying to at least make this an educational lesson if Nikki insisted on telling the past like it was. “Not everyone who does bad things is a bad person, just like not everyone who does good things is a good person.”

“Huh?” His daughter was clearly confused. Maybe this concept was too much for her. He tried again.

“Well, you see, sometimes people make mistakes, bad mistakes, and get sent to prison for them, but that doesn’t make them always bad. Or sometimes they get tricked into doing things by other people, or they do things for reasons the cops don’t understand. So sometimes they get stuck there and people think they’re bad when really they’re not. And sometimes bad people still do good things, like help little kids or put out the recycling. But those things don’t always mean they’re good, nice people. It’s complicated.” He trailed off, letting Roxy ponder over that. 

“Or sometimes people do bad things because they're fun and pay well.” Nikki chimed in.

“NIKKI!” Ray yelped. “You can't say things like that!” He glared at her with a mixture of horror and disbelief. Nikki just shrugged unapologetically before wincing as Julian grabbed a handful of her hair. “Ouch, you can't do that pal.” She scolded. 

“Seriously Nikki, she's seven!”

“I just feel like there's an important in-between you're glossing over here.” She defended, halfheartedly attempting to detangle her son’s fingers from her hair. Ray was about to fire back at her when they were interrupted by a small voice. 

“Was it true?”

Both Ray and Nikki turned their attention to Roxy, who was still sitting on the floor and looking more confused than ever.

“Was what true?” Nikki questioned. She had finally managed to extract her hair and was holding her son’s hands tightly in her own, ignoring his protests.

“Did you really go to jail and meet Daddy there?” She demanded.

“Yes.” Ray said quickly. He figured it was best to be honest and tell her the truth. Maybe that was the lesson she'd learn today. 

Roxy’s next question was only one word. “Why?”

The simplest question, yet impossible to answer honestly. So much for teaching her about honesty. Ray took a deep breath to calm himself, but Nikki had already jumped in.

“I was a professional con artist, which is someone who cheats people out of things to make a living. I did that for fifteen years until I met your dad.” She continued to speak calmly, as though she was simply telling of a past vacation or high school job at McDonald’s. To Roxy’s credit, she at least had the decency to look horrified. He would take credit for that half of her genetics. 

“Momma, why did you do mean things to people?” She looked hurt and confused, and Ray didn’t blame her one bit. Her whole world had just been rocked. 

Now Nikki was starting to look like she might be feeling a little guilty, even if it was only because she had made her daughter upset. Shifting Julian to her hip, she slid off the couch and joined Roxy and Ray on the floor before answering the question.

“Because I wanted to do something exciting with my life and make money and live in freedom. But then I got caught and got in trouble and met your dad and got in more trouble and realized that trouble isn’t as fun when it hurts the people you love. And I stopped because I didn’t want to hurt you or Daddy or Julian. Remember that: take what you deserve, but don’t hurt people you love.” She finished her serious piece with a smirk. “And that’s how your dad and I met.”

Roxy stared at her mother for a few seconds, as though trying to make sense of her point. Finally, she nodded in satisfaction before picking up her crayon again. “Wait’ll I tell Miss Patrick that!” She murmured to herself, continuing to add to her drawing. Nikki and Ray froze at her words. It was one thing to tell their daughter the truth, and if that was Nikki’s choice, so be it. But if word of their existence and location spread, that could mean the end of their safety. If they were discovered, they would lose their children, their home, and each other. Everything they had worked for, every person they had bribed, and every mile they had fled would be gone. And they were both keenly aware of that. Ray glared harshly at Nikki, and she put her free hand up as if to say “Fine, I’ll let you handle this one.” He cleared his throat and tapped his daughter on the shoulder. When she looked up, he spoke gently.

“Roxy, you can’t share that story with your class. I know we said that’s how we met, but that’s something that’s private for just our family to know, okay? Do you understand?”

Roxy looked upset but nodded nonetheless. “Yes, Daddy. We were ‘posed to share the story of how two members of our family met, but since you and Momma and Julian are my only family, I don’t know what to do.”

Ray actually winced for the briefest of moments at the honest statement she had made. It clearly hurt him to hear out loud how their choices were affecting their young daughter. Shockingly, Nikki came to his rescue.

“Every family has things they can’t tell other people. Sometimes they’re big things and sometimes they’re little things. But everybody has them. And you have to promise not to tell anyone, okay? Just like how Daddy and I don’t tell people when you get scared of things or angry at us or sad when you hurt inside. Those things are private just for you and us. And now you get to help us keep things a secret too, okay?” She smiled encouragingly at her daughter, and after a long moment that seemed to drag on forever, Roxy stood up from the floor and threw her arm around Nikki’s shoulders. Nikki wrapped her free arm tightly around her daughter in return.

“I love you Momma.” Roxy whispered into Nikki's hair. Ray noticed the tears forming in the corners of Nikki's eyes as she continued to hold her daughter. She shifted slightly so she could kiss her cheek. “I love you too Roxy.” After a second, she pulled away slightly, releasing her frustrated son in the process, who scampered over to Ray. She rested her now-free hands on Roxy's shoulders. “Now, let's make up a great story for you to tell your teacher and classmates. A REALLY good one, okay?”

Roxy tilted her head at her mother. “But isn't that the same as lying?”

Nikki nodded firmly. “Yep. And what do Mommy and Daddy always say?” She paused, letting Roxy fill in the rest.

“....If I hear you telling a story that isn't true, don’t say anything. Ask questions later.” Nikki nodded enthusiastically. “Absolutely. Now, it's your turn to make up a story. How do you want it to go?”

The rest of the evening was occupied by Nikki and Roxy finishing up Roxy's drawing together. Once they were finished, Roxy proudly placed it on top of her school bag before trotting towards the bathroom to get ready for bed followed by her parents. 

-

After tucking their children in and escaping from their room, the couple got ready for bed themselves, keeping the noise to a minimum out of respect for their offspring sleeping on the other side of the thin wall. However, just before climbing into bed, Nikki rounded on Ray. “See? I told you it would go just fine!” Ray shook his head. “I never doubted you.”

Nikki laughed as she grabbed the blanket away from him. “Ray, are you lying to me?” Ray smiled as he turned off the bedroom light. “Goodnight Nikki.”


	5. After All of This and Everything (Set around 2023)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nikki has an important talk with her daughter  
> Descriptions of Nikki's beating, as well as pregnancy complications

 

**_December 19, 2023_ **

 

Nikki had barely stepped inside the door when she was stopped by Ray. He grabbed her wrist, preventing her from going any further into the apartment.

“C’mon Ray, let me go.” She whined, halfheartedly attempting to tug away from him. She wasn’t sure what he was confronting her over this time, but she had a vague guess it might be due to the incident last week involving a couple of obnoxious teenagers in the local 7-Eleven. Well, that she had an excuse for, she could explain. He held fast until she relented and looked up at him, surprised by the serious look on his face. He didn’t look annoyed like he usually was when confronting her over a stupid incident. Instead, he looked almost….sad. She was about to question what was going on when he spoke in a low voice. It was calmer than she had been expecting, but the undertones of firmness were not missed. 

“Nikki….it’s time. You have to talk to her.”

She stepped back a bit, instantly dreading the situation. “Wha-” she started, but then backtracked. “Ray, we talked about this. We weren’t gonna to tell her until she turned sixteen.”

Ray sighed, removing his hand, and running it over his face. “I know, but earlier I was with Julian, bringin’ him home from the store, and he starting asking about this book he was reading, and then us having to run. Now normally I wouldn’t a’ worried much considerin’ we’ve talked about it with him before, but this time he kept asking WHY… why we had to leave, what made us leave and so on… he just kept asking questions and I couldn’t help it.... I told him  _ do not  _ mention it to you or his sister, that it was your experience to tell her.” He pleaded with her with his eyes before continuing. “I’m sorry.”

Blinking back tears, Nikki looked at her husband, taking a deep breath before continuing. “I can’t- I don’t want to..” She trailed off again, struggling to finish her thought. “I just can’t let her down. I don’t want to hurt her again.”

 

**_August 11, 2011_ **

 

_ “Ray, I’m bleeding.” Ray looked up abruptly to see his wife shuffling into the kitchen, holding up her hand. He fingertips were smeared with blood, and her face was pale, even by Nikki standards. “Babe, what ha-” he had started to stand up to help her get cleaned up when he realized with a jolt of horror what she meant. She was wearing a pair of light blue sweatpants, and they were stained a bright, dizzying red, as though she was a teenager who had gotten her first period in gym class. But Nikki hadn’t been a teenager for a long time. And Nikki was eight months pregnant.  _

_ “Nikki, what happened?!?!” He yelped, but as he reached for her, she doubled over, gasping in pain. She spoke after a moment of trying to catch her breath as Ray steadied her.  _

_ “I started gettin’ these godawful cramps about an hour ago, and then I just looked down and noticed that I had bled all over everything.” She wheezed, still breathing heavily. Ray stared at her in disbelief. “Why didn’t you tell me? We need to get you to a hospital!”  _

_ “I didn’t think it was anything serious at the time, I’ve had cramps before. But this time, it’s much worse. Somethin’s wrong.” Ray gripped her arm tightly, half to steady himself and half to get her into the car before she changed her mind. _

 

**_December 22, 2010_ **

 

_ Nikki lifted her head a few millimeters and attempted to blink the grit and foul liquid out of her eyes. Shit. Even that hurt. Still, the panic bleeding through her veins and making her head pound was powerful enough to cut through the pain. She had to get away from here. There was simply no chance for a decent outcome if she didn’t. Setting her jaw so tightly she could feel the heat of her teeth grinding together, she pushed herself into position just upright enough to grab onto her car’s bumper. Gasping, she used it to steady herself as she dragged her body incrementally closer to the door. Fumbling for the latch, she managed to pull enough to pop it open. She desperately grabbed onto the seat, her battered body forcing her to pause. She did her best to push the pain deep into her brain, somewhere it couldn’t leak out. It was an old trick she learned from her very first “boss” on the streets of St. Paul. Send the pain elsewhere. Tell it to wait. Move on. Feel later.  _

_ So that was what she did. She gritted her teeth again and made one last monumental effort to pull herself into the seat. It was only after a moment that faint relief washed over her as she realized it had worked. She leaned her head back mere inches onto the headrest and was dazzled by an explosion of color. Reds and blues. Blacks and purples. So much white. All dancing across the backs of her eyelids as the pain seared through her. She almost felt a disconnect with her body as the pain rolled in waves off of her, trying to block out all sensations associated with life as she waited for reality to break through.  _

 

**_December 19, 2023_ **

 

Nikki took a deep breath to steady herself as she stood in the doorframe of her children’s bedroom. “Roxy?”

The twelve-year-old lifted her head up from where she was bent over her homework on the bedroom floor. Roxy always started her homework early. 

“Can I talk to you?”

Now her daughter looked worried. “Am I in trouble?” She questioned. 

Nikki smiled a little. “No, no, nothing like that. I just wanted to talk to you about something.” Roxy still looked concerned but nodded nonetheless. “Can I sit down?” Roxy scooted over and gathered up her homework, setting it on the floor below her in a neat stack. Nikki sat down across from her daughter and met her gaze. “I need to tell you about something. Something that happened to me a long time ago.”

 

**_August 11, 2011_ **

 

_ By the time they arrived at the hospital, Nikki was in so much pain that she had almost bitten through her lower lip as she attempted to steel herself against the increasingly painful bursts that wracked her body. As Ray helped her climb out of the car, he noticed the blood pooling on the black garbage bag that she had been sitting on (at her own insistence) on the backseat. He tried to ignore the blood now visible around her ankles and staining her slippers as they staggered into the building. But he would never forget the look of complete terror on her face. It was the first time he had ever seen that expression on her. _

_ As they rushed into the building, Ray vaguely picks up on his wife’s voice calling out in panic, and being hurried through a series of events that blurred by. Truly, his mind can’t focus until he can lock in on one thing. “Ray,” Nikki called out in a panic, tears welling up. “Is she going to be okay? Please tell me she’s going to be okay.”  _

_ Ray just took a deep breath, not knowing what was going to happen, and instead just held her hand tighter. _

 

**_December 19, 2023_ **

 

Nikki gave her daughter another small smile she hoped was reassuring (though it was mostly to steady herself, she admitted inwardly) before launching into the tale. “So you know how your dad and I tried to blackmail your uncle for money and ended up getting caught, which resulted in our needing to leave the state?” Roxy nodded. She and Julian both knew the story of how their parents had fled to Brooklyn before she was born. Nonetheless, she continued listening, wondering why she wanted to discuss this again.

“It was actually me who got us caught. Emmit’s business partner Sy called me on my cell, and I picked it up like an idiot. He was angry about how we had blackmailed Emmit and wanted to try to get us to withdraw our offer. He asked me to meet him in one of Emmit’s lots, which I did, without telling your dad, I may add.” She paused, and Roxy just waited.

 

“He made me a counter offer but I didn’t take it. He thought he was handling it himself, but he was stupid. Varga hated him. You remember what I told you two about Varga, correct?” Roxy nodded again. She knew that he was the catalyst in the effort to hunt down her parents, and the main reason they kept four locks on the door and two on every window and slept with a pistol under their bed. “Yes, Mom.” Nikki nodded in satisfaction. 

 

**_August 11, 2011_ **

 

_ Finally, the doctor entered the room, and after a quick introduction began to speak. “What you are experiencing is called a placental abruption.” She elaborated without pause. “In simple terms, it means that something caused part or all of your placenta to tear away from the wall of your uterus. We also have reason to believe that the blood in your umbilical cord may be clotted, seriously compromising the oxygen flow to your baby.” Nikki only stared in horror. The doctor continued steadily. “Have you experienced any trauma lately? Falling, tripping, extreme sports, physical trauma?” The doctor questioned. She looked at Nikki pointedly, clearly intending the question for her alone.  _

_ “Not… recently, no.” Nikki stammered.  _

_ “It doesn’t have to be recent. Did anything happen to you at any point while you were pregnant?” _

_ Nikki paused for a long, long moment as her brain struggled to concoct a believable story. She then spoke slowly. “I… we used to live in Minnesota. It’s real cold there, real icy. I slipped down an entire flight of outdoor stairs. Concrete. Got real banged up, really bruised. But that was back in December. That wouldn’t make something happen now, would it?” She felt paralyzed as she waited for a reply. _

_ “It could have caused an issue if it happened when your placenta was attaching itself to your uterine wall. A small tear might have been fine up until this point, but normal activity from your daughter may have caused it to tear further, causing the episode you’re experiencing now. Either way, the situation is critical if we want to save your daughter.” Nikki felt the rest of the world fall away as she dissolved into sobs. This was  _ **_her_ ** _ fault.  _

 

**_December 19, 2023_ **

 

Nikki continued her story. “Varga had other plans, plans for Sy. He wanted Sy out of the picture. So he sent a couple of his lackeys to meet us in the parking lot, unbeknownst to him. They basically just told me a bunch of nonsensical crap before grabbing me. Something about the ground in Siberia being red from blood. I couldn’t do anything, they got me by surprise.” He eyes were downcast, and Roxy thought she looked almost  _ guilty _ . She continued listening curiously.

Nikki now met her daughter’s gaze, her dark eyes drilling directly into her daughter’s. “They beat me, Roxy. To send a message to Sy. They beat the  _ crap _ outta me. Varga’s two guys first kicked me on the ground and stomped on me. They stomped me  _ into _ the ground. Then one of them pulled out this enormous black bullwhip. Roxy, I swear that thing was as thick as my arm. They started hitting me with that too. God, they must’ve only been at it three or four minutes, but it felt like an eternity to me.” She shuddered and continued before Roxy could say anything.

“I still have scars from that whip. See?” She lifted her shirt and traced a white patch just above her hip, about as wide and long as two fingers put together. Despite its size, it was well hidden by the thin, spidery stretch marks that were left crisscrossing each other visible even across her mother’s pale skin, eternal reminders that she and her brother had both lived there for a time. Nikki touched another similar mark a little lower down before replacing her shirt just as Roxy spoke up cautiously.

  
“Mom, I don’t understand. You’ve told us that Varga is bad news and hated your guts, so why was it your fault you got caught up in that?” She stopped talked abruptly as Nikki closed her eyes and took a deep breath, and suddenly Roxy felt a stab of fear pricking at her skin. She had never seen her mother like this. _Never._ Not _ever._ She listened in muted silence as Nikki began speaking again, and this time she struggled to keep her voice steady. 

“Roxy, the reason I’m telling you this is because I was pregnant with you at the time.” Roxy felt her jaw slacken as she stared at her mother. She hadn’t quite processed the revelation before her mother began elaborating.

“When we went to the doctor once we got here they estimated you had been in there five or six weeks, so that meant I had only just gotten pregnant when they got me. However you survived that was nothing short of a miracle. I don’t think there was a single night after we found out that I didn’t have nightmares that something had or would happen to you. And I still haven’t forgiven myself for what happened.” She sloppily wiped her eyes on her sleeve. “When you were born all I could do was hold you and tell you how grateful I was that you were okay. I thought for sure something would be wrong, or even that you wouldn’t make it. But you did.”

Roxy finally regained her ability to speak. She opened her mouth to protest, but her mother cut her off again before she could say anything. 

“I haven’t forgiven myself for two reasons. One, because I was stupid. I shouldn’t have put my pride before my common sense. It wasn’t worth it. It almost never is. I know I’ve told you time and time again, but it’s never worth doing stupid shit if it puts your loved ones in danger.” She took another deep, shuddering breath before continuing. “And two, because I should have  _ known, _ Roxy. About you. I should have known you existed before doing stupid shit and almost getting us both killed. We’re both lucky to still be alive.”

Roxy sat up abruptly and grabbed her mother’s shoulders, pulling her into alignment with herself so she could look her directly in the eyes. “Mom, I would  _ never _ blame you for this. You said it yourself, we’re both here, and we’re both alive. You couldn’t have known, especially that early on.” 

Nikki sighed again. “The point is I  _ should  _ have.” Her head shook slightly with embarrassment and shame. “Roxy, if anything had happened to you, I don’t know what I would have done. You were, _ are _ , our saving grace, our second chance, and I truly believe if it weren’t for you, we would both be dead by now. Sweetheart, I’ve made  _ so many _ mistakes in my life, but this is the one I can’t let go of. The fact that I almost lost you, it still hurts me so much.”

Roxy grew teary-eyed as her mother continued, this rare outburst of emotion surprising, and wanted nothing more than to comfort her. She embraced the woman in a tight hold as the pair sniffled and wet each other’s shoulders. When her mother began speaking again, she looked back towards her wet face.

“When I held you for the first time,” she began, “When I was told you were going to be okay, it was the best thing I’d heard in my  _ life.  _ Better than being offered parole, better than winning any bridge competition, better than hearing any offer of money. When I finally held you, when I knew you were  _ safe,  _ it was everything I could have prayed for.”

 

**_August 11, 2011_ **

 

_ “Is she okay?” Nikki could barely hear herself over the adrenaline pounding in her ears. She couldn’t tell if the lights flashing everywhere were part of the external world or simply the pain she had given up trying to shove down. She had stopped caring many hours ago.  _

_ A wailing cry pierced through her haze, cutting through the buzzing and the brightness like a knife. She was suddenly gripped by a strange sensation that dragged her back to reality almost instantaneously. She had to  _ **_know_ ** _.  _

_ “Is she okay?” Nikki repeated, now keenly aware of the panic building in her voice. She had been here for so many hours now, she was certain that it was now a completely different day than when she and Ray had arrived at the hospital. Finally, she could bear it no longer as the hysteria in her voice completely broke. She could tell the words were formed in her brain, but what came out was a pleading shriek of an almost inhuman quality loud enough to shake the windows. “Please, someone  _ **_tell_ ** _ me!”  _

_ Her eyes flew around the room and landed on her husband, who looked like he might be in shock. She had just met his eyes in frantic desperation, trying to glean any information on her child when suddenly a new realization dawned on her. She herself wasn’t screaming anymore, yet the wailing continued. She barely had a moment to process this new revelation when suddenly one of the nurses gently placed a bloody, wailing infant on her chest. The Earth itself seemed to skid to halt as Nikki realized that she was staring at her daughter. _

_ She was so incredibly tiny, newly separated from the cord that nearly betrayed her but still covered in Nikki’s blood. She was a screaming, sticky mess. For a moment, Nikki could only stare in awe. She hesitantly reached for her, feeling like her fingers weren’t connected to the rest of her body as she touched her daughter for the first time.  _

_ Two hands. The tiniest little hands Nikki had ever seen. They were so small that Nikki could fit the entire pad of her thumb in her daughter’s tiny palm. She also had two feet, and two eyes that stared up at her as though she hung the stars in the sky. Nikki felt vastly undeserving of those eyes. After what seemed like an eternity, Ray’s voice broke through her haze as he questioned her, concern evident in his tone.. _

_ “Nikki? Nikki, is everything okay?” _

_ Nikki could barely form a coherent response as her eyes remain locked on her daughter. Finally, she managed to speak. _

_ “Roxanne. Roxy.  _ **_Roxy_ ** _.” _

 

**_December 19, 2023_ **

 

“Mom? You there?” Roxy pried gently, tapping her mother on the shoulder to pull her back from her reverie. Nikki blinked rapidly, clearing the memory from behind her eyes. She smiled reassuringly at her daughter.

“I’m always here.” Roxy rolled her eyes good-naturedly.

“I know that. But like, are you okay? I mean, you don’t have to tell me you’re okay if you really aren’t.”

“Roxy, as long as you and your father and brother are here and alive and well, nothing else matters to me. Nothing I lived through can ever take you away. It’s all history now. I don’t care who did what or how I failed. All I could ever ask for is your forgiveness going forwards.”

Roxy nodded. “I forgive you.” She said simply, meeting her mother’s eyes. 

Nikki felt something break in her chest, something that she didn’t even realize she had been carrying with her all these years, but suddenly felt like a brick lodged in her lungs. It now felt as though someone had slammed the brick with a hammer and split it in two. It was still there, but suddenly it was infinitely easier to breathe. She felt so, so  _ lucky  _ just to be able to have this conversation with her daughter. For over twelve years she had played and replayed in her head how this conversation would go when she would finally have to admit her fears and failings to one of the only people she cared judge her. She stared at her daughter, aware of the hope evident in her voice as she finally spoke.

“Really?”

Roxy smiled. “Really Mom. Really.”

**Author's Note:**

> These fics are a combination of work between elizabethvaughan and I, much like our work in the Braindead fandom. We decided our Fargo fics would go on this account, while others would go on her's.


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